Live and Let Pie
by G.L. Peabody
Summary: Is one of the castaways a fugitive from justice? Never fear, Gilligan is on the case.
1. Island's Most Wanted

_Special Guest Star:_

_Robert Stack (Voice)…. Inspector Nelson Elliot, KBI_

The castaways were just finishing up an early dinner. Mary Ann was picking up the plates and just getting ready to put out her famous coconut cream pies.

"Time for the nightly business report," Quipped Mr. Howell, reaching for the radio.

Mrs. Howell rebuked, "Really Thurston, we barely finished dinner."

Mr. Howell retorted, "Lovey, I need to hear how our investments are doing."

Lovey relented, "Very well, Thurston." At that, Thurston turned on the radio.

The announcer came on, "The nightly business report will be broadcast immediately following a special report from Lawrence, Kansas following station identification."

Mary Ann asked, "Did somebody say Kansas?"

Gilligan answered, "Yeah, Mary Ann, a special report!"

Skipper scolded, "Hush Gilligan."

The announcer returned after a commercial, "Now we go to a press conference held by Inspector Nelson Elliot of the Kansas Bureau of Investigation."

Inspector Elliot's distinctive voice reported, "The Kansas Bureau of Investigation has officially closed the case of the so called Pie Bandit. From 1962 until 1964, several jewelry stores were robbed after their proprietors were rendered unconscious after eating drugged pies. The pies were delivered by an attractive young women and were purported to be the best pies that the victims have ever tasted. Because of the fact that she is considered to be the best pastry chef in her town, and that the jewelry heists ceased immediately after her disappearance, the Kansas Bureau of Investigation is confident that the perpetrator of the thefts totally close to two million dollars is Mary Ann Summers."

Gilligan cried, "Not Mary Ann!"

Elliot continued, "Yes, Mary Ann Summers who was lost at sea with the SS Minnow."

The castaways were stunned.

"My word," said the Professor.

"Two Million," said Mr. Howell.

"How," was all the Skipper could say.

"My stars," said Ginger.

"My jewels," said Mrs. Howell.

Once the shock wore off, the Skipper finally asked, "What do we do about this?"

Mary Ann said, "This is all some case of mistaken identity."

The Professor thought a bit and said, "It most likely is a case of mistaken identity, but I'm afraid the only logical thing to do is put Mary Ann under hut arrest until we can sort this out. We'll need to work out a watch schedule outside her hut."

Mary Ann cried, "Hut arrest!"

Ginger moaned, "It was bad enough rooming with a farm girl, now I'm rooming with a thief."

Mary Ann indignantly said, "Well, I never…"

The Professor gave a solution, "Ginger, you can stay in the supply hut."

Ginger seductively replied, "Why Professor, its about time…"

Embarrassed, the Professor hastily added, "I can stay with the Skipper and Gilligan. No offense, Mary Ann, but I really didn't thing the supply hut was the best place for you considering what happened."

Mary Ann icily said, "I don't know if you could possibly offend me any more than you already have."

Trying to change the subject the Skipper offered, "Professor, why don't you take Gilligan's rack. He and I can hot bunk between watches."

Mr. Howell said, "Really, Captain, we just ate."

Skipper glared at Mr. Howell and explained, "Hot bunk is a Navy term when more than one sailor on different watches use the same rack. When one is at work, the other uses the bed."

Skipper set up a watch schedule, and instructed the others:

"I'll stand watch from 18:00 to midnight; Gilligan, you better go get some sleep now, you have watch from midnight to 0600; Professor and Ginger, you're up from 0600 till noon; Howells, from noon to 18:00."

Mary Ann lamented, "Am I the island criminal until we get rescued?"

Professor said, "No, just until we can figure this out. You should be working on a statement. We'll recreate our court to figure out what is best. You are innocent until proven guilty."

Mary Ann replied, "I don't feel very innocent."

While the Skipper was on watch, the Professor climbed up in Gilligan's hammock. Gilligan was in the Skipper's lower berth.

"Goodnight, Professor," said Gilligan

"Goodnight, Gilligan," replied the Professor, "you should already be asleep, you're watch starts in just a few hours."

Gilligan replied, "Its strange sleeping in the bottom bunk. Do you really think Mary Ann did it?"

"I don't know Gilligan," replied the Professor. Gilligan didn't hear, though, he was already sound asleep.

"Gilligan, Little Buddy, wake up, its your watch," The Skipper said.

Gilligan jumped, "whaaa,"

Skipper whispered, "Gilligan, get out there and watch Mary Ann!"

The Professor, now awake, said, "I'll go watch her."

Skipper said, "Sorry about waking you, but no thank you, this is Gilligan's watch."

Gilligan finally drug himself out of bed and walked over to the girls hut. He heard sobbing.

"Mary Ann, are you all right?" Gilligan asked.

"How can I sleep," Mary Ann replied, "everybody thinks I'm a thief."

Gilligan replied, "I'm sure everything will work out, and people will see you didn't do it."

Mary Ann said, "That's sweet, Gilligan. There's still a pie left over for dinner, do you want a snack."

Gilligan said, "I dunno…"

Mary Ann said, "Its coconut cream…"

Gilligan took the pie outside to his watch post. Gilligan started eating it, but fell asleep before he could finish.


	2. License to Eat

_(Dream Sequence Music)_

_Gilligan enters the nightclub hut wearing a tuxedo. The Skipper is tending bar. Ginger is singing, with a jazz beat, "Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Says Simple Simon to the pie man, let me taste your ware."_

_Gilligan walks up to the bar, "Coconut milk, shaken—not stirred."_

_While the Skipper was making the drink, Gilligan hears cries of help. The Howells enter the bar, frantic._

"_My Jewels are missing," Cried Mrs. Howell._

"_They were worth millions," Mr. Howell said literally crying._

"_Maybe I can help," offered Gilligan._

_Between sobs, Mr. Howell asked, "Who are you? What can you do?"_

_Gilligan replied, "Gilligan, Willie Gilligan."_

_(Generic spy music)_

_Gilligan continued, "Now tell me what happened."_

_Mrs. Howell answered, "We had eaten lunch, taken a nap, and when we woke up… the jewels were gone."_

_Gilligan had thought for a moment, then asked, "What did you have to eat?"_

_Mr. Howell replied, "Lobster, boar meat, salad, followed by a delicious coconut cream pie."_

"_I've got it," replied Gilligan, "It was the lobster. Its cousins stole the jewelry as revenge." Gilligan then called out, "Professor!"_

_The Professor ran into the night club and inquired, "Yes, Mr. Gilligan?"_

"_We must drain the lagoon." Gilligan ordered._

"_Right away Mr. Gilligan," The Professor responded, "at the lab we developed a special super mini suction pump that fits in this fountain pen. We'll test it in the lagoon."_

_The Skipper said, "That is ridiculous."_

_Just then Mary Ann came into the nightclub hut sporting a gaudy diamond brooch, "Pies," she cried, "Pies"_

_Mrs. Howell whispered to Gilligan, "That diamond brooch the pie girl is wearing looks a lot like the one that was stolen from me..."_

_Gilligan cunningly commented to Mary Ann, "My that is a lovely brooch."_

_Mary Ann came up close to Gilligan and positioned her ample bosom where Gilligan could get a good look at the brooch and other treasures. "This old thing?" Mary Ann purred, "Its been in the family for years."_

_Gilligan stammered, "Hmm…hah, yeah, that thing…"_

_Mrs. Howell broke the awkward moment with a cry of, "Liar! that is my brooch!"_

_Mary Ann quickly thrust the pie she was holding into Gilligan's face. She then made a hasty exit while the nightclub patrons were trying to figure out what was going on._

_Gilligan started licking the pie off his face. "Mmmm, this is the best coconut cream pie I've ever had," he reported._

"_Good grief, man, don't eat it," Mr. Howell groaned._

_Gilligan then said, "I need to sit down." Gilligan sat on a nearby chair, and soon was falling asleep._

_The Professor came into the nightclub and said, "It's the pies! They're drugged."_

_Mr. Howell retorted, "You do have a penchant for stating the obvious."_

_The Professor then walked over to Gilligan and started shaking him. "Gilligan wake up!" _

_Ginger started singing, "She's gone, Mary Ann's gone."_

Gilligan still groggy was being roused from a sleep. He was sitting in a chair outside the girls hut in his usual clothes. Gone was the tuxedo. The Professor was shaking him.

"Gilligan, Wake up!" The Professor shouted.

"She's Gone! Mary Ann's Gone!" Exclaimed Ginger.

Skipper stumbled out of his hut and asked, "What is all the shouting about?"

The Professor replied, "Ginger and I came out to relieve Gilligan, and found him fast asleep. Mary Ann is missing."

The Skipper soundly swatted Gilligan on the head with his cap, "Falling asleep on watch! Back in the day they would have keel-hauled you for that! Why I ought to…"

Ginger cried, "Wait, Skipper, it might not have been his fault!"

The three men followed Ginger's gaze to a plate with a half-eaten piece of coconut cream pie sitting on the arm rest of the chair that Gilligan was sitting, and later sleeping, in.

Skipper quietly said, "Sorry little buddy…"

The Professor added, "I didn't want to believe it."

Ginger proclaimed, "I always knew something was wrong with her."

Gilligan said, "I still don't believe it.

The Howells sleepily came up to the group. Mr. Howell bellowed, "Will you people keep quiet, we need our beauty rest."

Ginger informed them, "The Pie Bandit struck again."

Mrs. Howell replied, "Oh my!"


	3. Take the Pie and Run

After looking through the hut one more time, Ginger made a discovery. "I found a note," the movie star announced.

"What does it say?" Gilligan asked.

Ginger read, "Sorry, its just too painful to stay here. I'm going to the other side of the island. Please don't try to find me."

The Skipper ignored Mary Ann's request. "She'll never make it out there alone. We have to find her," the Captain announced.

Ginger said, "I'd love to help you go look, but since I have to do Mary Ann's chores as well as my own, I think I should stay here."

Mr. Howell said, "I think my and Mrs. Howell's place is guarding our jewels and money. After all, there is a notorious criminal on the island."

The Professor said, "Mary Ann is innocent until proven guilty. Skipper, why don't you and Gilligan start searching the jungle, and I'll join you as soon as I finish some important tests."

The Skipper looked frustrated and said, "It looks like it's just you and me, Little Buddy. You take the low road and I'll take the high."

After Gilligan and the Skipper left, the Professor said to the remaining castaways, "I think we may have prejudged Mary Ann."

"We did the right thing, Professor, there are a lot of valuables on this island," Mr. Howell argued.

The Professor replied, "Even if she is this pie bandit, she's only been sweet and helpful on the island. Maybe what happened on the mainland is unimportant."

"Maybe the Professor's right, what happened there stays there, and we should focus on who we are here." Ginger agreed.

Mr. Howell grunted, "Stealing two million unimportant, bite your tongue."

The Professor said, "Actually my important test involves biting something else." The professor then took a healthy slice from the pie Gilligan was eating the night before and devoured it. The Professor then charged off in the woods.

Ginger looked worried and said, "We better follow him, he might pass out."

Mrs. Howell agreed, "Good idea, we don't want to see him fall and hurt himself."

Mr. Howell just grunted, "Scientists."

Meanwhile, on the Other Side of the island…. 

Gilligan heard sobbing in the cave, and went in to investigate. "Mary Ann?" He asked, figuring it wasn't a crying boar.

Mary Ann shouted, "Go away!"

Gilligan said, "I'm sorry you're upset. I know you couldn't have done the things you said."

"Really?" asked Mary Ann.

"Really," said Gilligan.

Mary Ann sniffled and said, "When you fell asleep eating my pie, I figured they would blame me."

Gilligan said, "I couldn't sleep in Skippers hammock. The chair was comfortable and I just fell asleep. I don't think it was the pie."

The Professor walked up, "I don't think it was the pie either. I had about half of the coconut cream and I don't feel the least bit sleepy."

The Skipper, the Howells, and Ginger joined the other three shortly after that.

Ginger said, "Mary Ann, what happened in Kansas stays in Kansas. All that matters is who you are to us."

Mary Ann, unsure of how to answer that replied, "Thanks, I think, but I didn't do anything."

The Professor said, "Please come back Mary Ann, there will be no more hut arrest. No more suspicion."

Mary Ann said, "Thank you Professor."

With Mary Ann back in camp, doing full chores, the castaways ate well that night. They each even had two slices of pie. Mr. Howell then turned on the radio for the nightly business report.

The announcer said, "We now have a follow up story regarding the Kansas Pie Bandit. We cut now to Leavenworth, Kansas, where Special Agent Nelson Elliot of the Kansas Bureau of Investigation is holding another press conference."

The Skipper said, "We don't need to hear this Howell, turn it off."

As Thurston was reaching for the knob, Mary Ann spoke up. "No, I need to hear it," she said. Mr. Howell left the radio on.

Elliot's gravel voice came on, "It would appear that when the initial interview was broadcast, inmate Bobbi Lee Gentry of the women's ward of Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary started shouting 'Mary Ann doesn't make the best pies, I make the best pies.' Gentry has been serving time since 1964 for forging sleeping pill prescriptions."

Mary Ann said, "Bobbi Lee and I were always in competition at the county fair for the best pies. One year I would win, one year she would."

Elliot continued, "The case was reopened at the insistence of Summers family friend Rep. Robert Dole. Further investigation shows that the Pie Bandit crimes stopped shortly before Gentry entered prison, and that the brand of sleeping pill Gentry purchased fraudulently matched the drugs found in the pies."

Mary Ann triumphantly said, "Good ol' uncle Bob. I told you I didn't do it."

The castaways sheepishly went into a chorus of, "Sorry, Mary Ann."

Mary Ann returned to her cheerful self and said, "Lets just put this behind us and move on. We are a family, and family members sometimes jump to conclusions."

The other six castaways found that agreeable.

Mr. Howell later asked Mary Ann, "So… you know Bob Dole?"


End file.
